TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
