my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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