saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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