wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
