I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
