Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
