Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
