his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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