I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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