He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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