Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
