could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
