I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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