My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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