When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
