At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
