Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
