she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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