Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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