____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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