I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
