Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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