You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
