Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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