We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
