I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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