Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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