Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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