I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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