Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
