During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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