I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
