i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
