Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
