i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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