i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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