DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.