What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
