dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
