my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
