Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
