I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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