i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
