I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
