you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
