Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
