dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
