the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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