If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
