i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
