ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
