I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
