Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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