Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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