This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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