new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
