i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
