shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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