I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Can I color on your dick again?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
