Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
