you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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