Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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